A Definitive Anthology of Distiguished Stupidity
by StarChibi
Summary: Bored out of his mind one day, Koenma accidentally triggers a phenonemon which manifests in quite possibly the stupidest form a magical throwback could take...
1. Volume One: Hairball

This is dumb. This is quite possibly the dumbest thing I have _ever_ written. Which is saying something, considering. All poems in this were written by Henry Beard. I don't own YYH or the poems. 

The Definitive Anthology of Distinguished Stupidity Volume One: Hairball 

Once upon a time in a land so far away that it was not actually on the human plain of existence but in the spirit realm, and actually once you get into the spirit realm it's not that far away at all, but for the sake of narrative tradition we'll say it is anyway, there was a baby named Koenma. Well, he wasn't actually a baby. He was centuries old, but he was in the form of a baby most of the time, although why this is since he doesn't like it is beyond the comprehension of most people, but then again we're only human. Anyway, Koenma was sitting behind his desk, surrounded by piles of paper that stretched up to the ceiling. His hands were a blur as they moved. After a while, the blue ogre that was always at his side said suspiciously,

'Are you even _reading_ them, Koenma-sama?'

Koenma froze in mid-stamp and turned his small head, very slowly and dangerously, to narrow toffee-coloured eyes at the ogre, who paled to quite a nice shade of cloudy baby blue. He took a step back, and Koenma continued to glare until finally he stood up with a roar and sent the papers flying.

'THIS IS SO _BORING_!' he screamed, amid the rain of paper. When really powerful entities lose their temper and just don't care anymore, they let loose a wild swing of power. Koenma's office sat on the border between the spirit world and the human world, an area highly sensitive to all spiritual energy and magic. The tsunami of power that Koenma sent briefly rippling though this fragile place had profound effects, terrible effects that, while they wouldn't change our cast's lives forever, they would certainly create absolute stupidity and some disturbing memories for a very long time. 

The result of Koenma's horrible burst of power materialised in the form of a slim volume of poetry that gently fell out of the air and dropped onto Koenma's desk. The ogre, Koenma, and several suicidally curious ogres that had peered into the room stared at it like it was about to explode, with the exception of Koenma, who poked it cautiously, picked it up, and then opened it. 

With frightening suddenness, absolutely nothing happened. Koenma glanced at the cover. 

' "Henry Beard- Poetry for Cats: The Definitive Anthology of Distinguished Feline Verse". _What_?"' 

'You don't think that's…_all_… do you?' asked the blue ogre nervously. Koenma turned the blank page that was always at the start of books for a reason no one knows, and paused. He flipped back to where the dust cover was folded in over the sides of the book. There, where the author's picture usually was, were photos of several very familiar-looking faces.  Koenma knew one of them very well- he saw it in the mirror every morning. As for what would happen… well, they'd just have to see. They couldn't do anything about it while they didn't know what had happened. He opened his mouth to say so.

' "A hairball is a hairball is a hairball" ', he said, and then tried to look at his own mouth in horror. The ogres stared. Koenma cleared his throat and squeaked,

'Someone get me Botan.'

He glared at them as they continued to stare.

'Well? What are all you mongrels looking at?! Haul ass!'

'Um. "Mongrels", sir?'

'Shut up.'

A little later, in the human realm… 

'Tadaima!' 

'Oh, welcome home, dear. Did you have a good day?'

'Un,' Kurama replied, walking into his room and tossing his school bag into the corner.  He got out of his school uniform- it was just too damn hot, as Yuusuke had said- and went to open the glass door that served as his window. He blinked and came out onto the small veranda, and leant on it, watching the tree outside his window. After a while Hiei opened his eyes.

'Good afternoon,' Kurama smiled. 'How long have you been sleeping there?'

'None of your business, baka,' Hiei snorted, rolling over so his back was to the redhead. Kurama chuckled. Hiei was the only person he knew who could roll over on a tree branch.

'Come inside,' he said. 'I'll get something to eat. Ice cream?'

Hiei came inside a bit quicker than he would like to admit. When they were both seated on the carpet, Hiei contentedly licking his ice cream cone in a childlike manner Kurama found highly amusing, he asked,

'I take it your last mission went well?'

Hiei paused, looked at him, and opened his mouth to say something sarcastic in response. What came out gave him nightmares many years later. He said,

' "I chased a mouse beneath the stair,

It went to ground, I knew not where;

For, so swiftly it ran, my sight

Could not follow it in its flight.

I coughed a hairball in the air,

It fell to earth, I knew not where;

For though my sight is sharp and true,

I saw not where that fur-bullet flew.

Some time afterward, quite by chance,

I spied them both in a single glance;

For the mouse in a corner lay dead,

A hairball lodged in it's tiny head." '

Kurama stared. Hiei dropped his ice cream in shock, horror, and a few seconds later, embarrassment. Kurama's shoulders began to shake, and he managed,

'H-Hiei, I h-had n-no idea y-you were learning (snigger) p-p-poetry-'

'I'm NOT!' Hiei shouted, and stormed out as Kurama collapsed into gales of laughter. 

_Back in the spirit realm.._

'You know, reciting poetry to each other's supposed to be romantic, not insanely stupid,' Botan said, after getting over the initial shock and hysterical laughter that had come close on it's heels. 

'And, I mean… Hiei and poetry? Like… it's _Hiei_. Kuwabara and dumb poetry, _yes_, and maybe a short poem full of innuendoes from Kurama when he's in one of his moods, but _HIEI_?!'

'Right,' Koenma said. 'This is a serious situation. I can't have my spirit detectives running around saying poems about hairballs instead of death threats!'

'We might kill them with laughter, sir,' volunteered an ogre. To Botan's horror, Koenma actually seemed to think about this seriously. 

'Nah,' he said eventually, 'it effects me too, it's way too embarrassing.'

'YOU MEAN THAT'S THE _ONLY_ REASON YOU'RE GOING TO TRY AND STOP THIS?!' Botan shrieked, lifting Koenma up in one hand. 

Back in the human realm… 

'Hiei.'

'How the HELL did you do that?!' Hiei said, whirling around in surprise. In an entire city, Kurama had someone managed to track him down. Kurama grinned and shrugged, which was all the answer, and then said,

'I'm sorry for laughing. Botan contacted me and said that Koenma lost his temper this morning, and it seems to have effected us a bit. She said there's a book that turned up just afterwards that's radiating power, and the poem that you said was in it. She also said that Koenma had the same thing happen to him.'

'What, that drivel coming out of your mouth without you meaning it to?' Hiei scowled, as Kurama steered him gently towards a bar. 

'Yes, something like that,' Kurama said. 

'Hmph,' Hiei muttered, opening the door to the bar. 'You'd better be buying, baka kitsu-'

'Hiei! Kurama!'

'Oh shit,' Hiei muttered. Kurama caught the back of his collar as the smaller demon made to turn around and leave, and dragged him over to where Yuusuke and Kuwabara were sitting. 

'Hey,' Kurama said, giving Hiei and push to sit him down in the corner of the booth where he couldn't escape and sat down himself. Kuwabara narrowed his eyes at Hiei, and Kurama suddenly remembered that the last time Hiei had been around, it was winter and they'd started arguing, for a change. Kuwabara lost his temper and Hiei hadn't been in the best of moods, so he'd given him a little downward force when the redhead had tried to hit him. Kuwabara had landed in a mud puddle. In the presence of Yukina. The scars still clearly remained. Kurama and Yuusuke braced themselves for torrent of abuse, but-

' "I am a pussy cat in grey coat slinking

Across the living room. Your ears are small

And do not hear my footpads softly fall

In all the racket of your cage-bell's clinking

And chirps and cheeps of your annoying tune;

But I will have my pretty birdie soon,

I am a pussycat in grey coat slinking.

You are a parakeet in a cage singing

With nothing on your mind, not even that

Grey cat who tiptoes like an acrobat

Along the shelf. But then you hear the creak

As I release the cage door, and you shriek.

You are a parakeet in Heaven singing." '

There was a long, stunned silence.

'WHAT THE _HELL_-?!' Kuwabara yelled, clapping his hands over his mouth. Kurama was laughing so had he had tears in his eyes. Yuusuke was rolling about on the floor, hands folded over his stomach as he laughed.

'I didn't get most of that,' Hiei said, 'but since it was both insulting and a threat you will not be able to carry out and I bear no resemblance to small feathered Earth creature-'

They had to carry the black-and-blue Kuwabara home.

'Do you feel better?' Yuusuke asked, since Kurama had told him about Hiei's little poetry outburst and the book of poetry. 'Tension released?'

'Not until I get my hands on Koenma,' Hiei said dangerously, and glared at Kurama, who'd been giggling at random intervals for some time. 'Shut up, baka.'

'But it's funny!' Kurama chuckled. 

'To you, maybe,' Hiei growled, and stomped along ahead. Yuusuke and Kurama glanced at each other, and sniggered. 

'WELL?!' Botan shouted, shaking Koenma. 'Now it's got poor Kuwa-chan!'

'I don't know what to do!' Koenma said in protest. 'I don't know how to reverse this!'

'WHAT?! You started it!'

'That doesn't mean I know how to stop it!'

Botan sighed and dropped Koenma back on the floor. Koenma glanced at the book, and grinned as he picked it up. He tapped it's cover thoughtfully and glanced at Botan, who was looking at him cautiously.

' "I wonder why humans never seem to catch on,"' Koenma said cheerfully, ' "That things that aren't forbidden are no fun to scratch on."' 

'…and what was _that_ supposed to mean?'

* * * 

Should I keep going? I mean, I've got the actual book right here and can keep going, but this is such a weird idea I dunno if anyone will even read it. I mean…this is _weird_. 


	2. Volume Two: Treed

This really is stupid.

Thankyou for the reviews, and uh, Rose Spirit? What drivel? Kurama hasn't said anything stupid… yet. (I nevertheless have a horrible feeling she's going to flame me, since I don't know what she's telling me to stop… I'll just go save all my other stories before she melts my computer.)

Rogue Dragon, I hope your ribs get better soon ^_^

The Definitive Anthology of Distinguished Stupidity

Volume Two: Treed

Kurama was glad it was the last day before the summer holidays that Koenma had chosen to inflict them with poetry, because even he wasn't sure he wanted to see the expression on his teacher's face if he told her about his recent escapades involved with chasing a mouse. It had been bad enough when he'd been helping his brother with his English assignment. They'd been studying Edgar Allen Poe, and while Kurama would have much rather be out teasing Hiei about furballs (the reaction he got was a amazing, but he got the feeling it was approaching life-threatening)  he helped Shuuichi just the same. Looking at the dead-boring piece of literary agony, Kurama opened his mouth to tell his brother what happened in the end so the poor lad would be spared the tortuous task of actually reading it. What actually came out was a blatant disregard for the conventions of any language's literature and would have had Kurama hung by his Classical teacher if she'd heard, and which the author seriously contemplated photocopying an shoving under the door of the English teacher's office at her school. What Kurama ended up saying, to his brother's mixed horror and amusement, was,

"On a night quite unenchanting, when the rain was downward slanting,

I awakened to the ranting of the man I catch mice for.

Tipsy and a bit unshaven, in a tone I found quite craven,

Poe was talking to a Raven perched above the chamber door.

"Raven's very tasty", thought I, as I tiptoed o'er the floor,

        "There is nothing I like more."

Soft upon the rug I treaded, calm and careful as I headed

Toward his roost atop that dreaded bust of Pallas I deplore.

White the bard and birdie chattered, I made sure that nothing clattered,

Creaked, or snapped, of fell, or shattered, as I crossed the corridor;

For his house is crammed with trinkets, curios, and weird décor- 

        Bric-a-brac and junk galore.

Shuuichi was staring at his brother with his mouth open, not sure what to think. Kurama couldn't seem to get his mouth under his own control.

Still the Raven never fluttered, standing stock-still as he uttered,

In a voice that shrieked and sputtered, his two cents' worth-

                                                               "Nevermore."

While this dirge the birdbrain kept up, oh, so silently, I crept up,

Then I crouched an quickly leapt up, pouncing on the feathered bore.

Soon he was a heap of plumage, and a little blood and gore-

                  Only this and not much more.

"Oooo!" my pickled poet cried out, "Pussycat, it's time I dried out!

Never sat I in my hideout talking to a bird before;

How I've wallowed in self-pity, while my gallant, valiant kitty

Put and end to that damned ditty"- then I heard him start to snore.

Back atop the door I clambered, eyed that statue I abhor,

                 Jumped- and smashed it on the floor." '

Kurama went out later that afternoon to pick up some milk for his mother, and stopped dead as a familiar tenor sniggered,

'Ravens?'

Kurama spun around.

'You heard that?!'

Hiei looked smug, and fell into step behind the (much) taller redhead. 

'What were you doing that close to my window?' Kurama asked. 

'I came to tell you that Koenma is completely stumped and we're probably just going to have to wait for this stupid rhyming business to wear off.'

'Oh,' said Kurama, and thought about this. 'Did Koenma _really_ say that he was-'

'Don't be stupid.'

'What did he actually say?'

'He said it would be an invaluable exercise for us to think about the unusual situation we found ourselves in and pay him back for the various favours he's done for us.'

'Ah,' Kurama said, and totally failed to remember any debt to Koenma that he hadn't paid of with what he judged to be sufficient actions. He said nothing about that though, since there wasn't any point. ' Well, this is a result of a power overload, isn't it? It'll probably wear off in the next few days.'

'It had better,' Hiei growled, in a tone that suggested terminal punishment was going to be dealt out to Koenma, son of Enma-Dai-Oh or not, if it didn't.  Kurama laughed and pushed open the door to the convenience store, where he was promptly bumped into by a rather flustered Keiko.

'Ah! Kurama-kun!' she said, taking a step back. 'I'm sorry, I wasn't looking where I was going… hello, Hiei-kun.'

'Hn,' Hiei muttered. Kurama rolled his eyes at Keiko, who giggled though her worry. 

'What's the matter?' Kurama asked, giving into the inevitable. Keiko grabbed the front of his shirt.

'It's terrible! Yuusuke-Yuusuke is-'

'-speaking in verse?' Kurama guessed. Keiko stared at him.

'How did you know?'

'Let's just say it's effecting all of us at the moment,' Kurama said, and then added, because his curiously was killing him, 'I don't suppose you can remember what he said…?'

'Ravens,' snigged Hiei. Kurama glanced at him over his shoulder and smiled sweetly.

'Remember the _furballs_?'

Hiei glared at him and stormed off. Keiko blinked.

'What was all-'

'-never mind that,' Kurama said. 'So, what happened with Yuusuke?'

 Keiko had been walking on her way here with Yuusuke, and he'd stopped to talk to Kuwabara, who had a part-time job this summer helping at a small fish shop. Keiko had gone on ahead, and had gotten pulled into an alleyway by some very big men with bad breath and about three brain cells between them, which were used in rotation to consider philosophical topics like money, drugs, and sex. The former two brain cells appeared to have wandered off for a moment and were letting the third do it's own thing, an idea Keiko didn't like at all and got the drift of as soon as the great big rough hands wrapped around her waist and arm. She'd screamed.  Whereupon Yuusuke and Kuwabara had shown up, and Yuusuke had done his normal bash-the-bad-guys-into-a-bloody-pulp routine. All of this was fairly textbook and normal, but what Yuusuke said instead of his normal finger-and- "Sit 'n spin, baby! Assholes!!" routine, was not textbook or routine. It was about as far away from it as you could get.

"Damn dogs and every draggled doggy thing,' he had said, and tried to look at his own mouth in horror, but it continued talking the foreign, flowing syllables nevertheless. 

"Fang-spangled spaniels with slaver-slovened flews;

     Gangle-lanky Afghans, funny in the head;

  Slack bassets; smug pugs; Spot, Fido, Rover, King;

   Whatever buries, harries, chases, fetches, chews;

        All dogs lap-, bird-, watch-, guide-, sheep-, show-, sled-;

Hocks, hackles, withers, stifles, brisket, ruff;

     Loud Hounds or snuffling puppies (who knows whose?)

         Mangy mongrel mix, snoot-snouted purebred;

And all who boister forth to strut their mutty stuff:

                                                               Drop dead."

'Oh, my,' Kurama managed weakly, leaning on the door. Keiko looked at him suspiciously, but centuries of training came to Kurama's aid and he kept his expression slightly amused and worried. 'Where is he now?'

'Hiding under his blanket like a little child,' Keiko said, looking a bit miffed. 'He said he wasn't coming out until Mister Vet solved the damn problem and made him stop sounding like a pansy.'

'Mister Vet?' Kurama tried to think like a pissed-off cat and found his answer. 'He must have meant Koenma…. Could you tell Yuusuke that we think it will just wear off of it's own accord?' Kurama asked. Keiko nodded, and politely turned down his offer to walk her home, given the attack earlier. She trotted off, and Kurama leaned on the store window. 

Only _then_ did he burst out laughing. 

It was not turning out to be Botan's two days. Yesterday she had found out that the spirit detectives had an incurable attack of Poetry that would _probably_ go away by itself, and not only that, but Koenma-sama had recently taken to replying to her questions in what The Book called Feline Verse. For instance, her question whether burning The Book would have any effect. The reply? Koenma looking at her seriously over steepled, stubby fingers and saying,

"The next time you put on your waterproof togs,

And venture outside when it rains us and dogs,

Ask which you'd rather have land on your noodle:

A cute little cat or a ninety-pound poodle?"

Botan had no idea what the hell _that_ was supposed to mean, and in a highly agitated state of mind she flew straight into a tree. A big tree. A very tall, straight tree, with her oar caught in the higher branches, well out of her reach. Botan let out a sarcastic laugh and discovered that she could not, in fact, haul herself upright or even into a comfortable position because of the way the branches (which seemed to be quite plentiful _above_ her, she couldn't help noticing), had broke, bent and grown around her. 

'Oh… _great_,' she growled, and prayed that someone she knew had to go shopping today and, when they passed, did not do so at an angel to see up her kimono. Of course, if it was _Yuusuke_, he'd probably purposely move around so he did.

The smoke column came towards them fast. Hiei and Kurama glanced up and stopped, and as it passed by the park a faint

'Yuu-' could be heard before the sound and dust drowned it out. Yuusuke grabbed the front of Kurama's shirt.

'WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN, "_IT'LL WEAR OFF ON IT'S OWN ACCORD_?!"' 

 'At least you didn't have to talk about ravens,' Kurama said.

'Or furballs,' Hiei said.

'Or furballs,' Kurama agreed. He paused. 'What's that sound?'

They listened and gradually all of them could here the;

"YUUSUKE! (cough) KURAMA! (hack) HIEI! YUUSUKE YOU USELESS PIECE OF (cough, cough)!!!!"

'That sounds like Botan,' Yuusuke said, trotting merrily back down the lane and standing under a tree. Kurama and Hiei followed, timing their arrival so Botan could finish abusing Yuusuke for his deafness, inconsideration and pervertedness just as they arrived.

'Hello, Botan-chan,' Kurama said. Botan took a deep breath and looked at him, smiling faintly.

'Hello Kurama, Hiei.'

'What are you _doing_ up there?' Yuusuke asked, earning Hiei's private award for Dumbest Question Asked In the Last Half-Hour. 'Can't you get down?'

This one quickly changed places with the previous question. Botan opened her mouth to say something scathing in reply. 

' "I think that I shall never see

A poem nifty as a tree

A tree whose rugged trunk seems meant

To speed a happy cat's ascent;

A tree that laughs at dogs all day

And serves up baby birds for prey;

A tree whose limbs are in the sky

Where clandestinely I can spy;

Until it does upon me dawn

It is a mile down to the lawn.

Poems are made by cats like me,

But only if you can get me off this goddamn stupid tree."'


	3. Volume Three: She Walks In Booties

A/N: this is such a stupid, plotless… oh, I give up. This is just dumb. 

Anyway, on a totally unrelated topic, read the webcomic at www.9thelsewhere.com. It's cool ^_^ 

Genyo-Sanzo: yes, the book really does exist, it's called "Poetry For Cats: The Definitive Anthology of Distinguished Feline Verse" and it's by Henry Beard. 

I _am_ crazy. I'm just lacking the official certificate saying so. By the way, have you seen Saiyuki? Can you tell me what it's like? Only I want to see it but I have to order it from the US if I want to, and that mean's it's going to cost me about AU$60. Excluding postage. (bleagh)

And everyone seems to find the Hiei-furball angle really funny. Pity, I think I've run out of furball poems…

Sunshadow, I hope your throat gets better soon ^_^ Try honey and lemon. 

Not sure how many chapters left- one or two, probably… why am I writing this?

Hm, no idea.

I'm picking on Hiei and Kurama again! 

The Definitive Anthology of Distinguished Stupidity 

Volume Three: She Walks In Booties 

The spirit detectives & assistant were currently not their usual cheerful selves. Well, okay, Hiei was never cheerful and Kurama tended to be calmer than the phrase "cheerful" suggested, but overall the general level of normal was a few notches below what it usually was. They were currently sitting in Yuusuke's house, and definitely not hiding from the rest of the world. They were… thinking. Yes. Not waiting for the damned Poetry disease to wear off at all. Thinking. Right.

'How do we _know_ when it wears off?' Kuwabara said eventually. 'It doesn't effect us all the time.'

'Thank God,' said the huge fluoro letters above Hiei's head, but he didn't actually say anything. Audible, anyway, in the same way that the dark storm clouds crackling with electricity over his black hair were not, in fact, there. Yuusuke edged away from him a little bit. 

'Dunno,' he said, in answer to Kuwabara's question. 

'It seems to kick in whenever we come across something that can be described by a poem in the book,' said Botan, sipping her blackberry cordial. The ice blocks clinked against the edge of the glass, and Yuusuke briefly wondered where his mother had gotten the money to buy glasses made with equipment that hadn't been used to mine iron ore in a previous life.

'So when the book runs out we'll stop quoting it? Makes sense, I guess…'

'How big is the book?' Kurama asked. Botan held her index finger and thumb about half an inch apart, and the spirit detectives let out a sigh of relief

'Of course, the power fuelling our connection with the book might run out before the book does,' Kurama said, and as one they all muttered a silent prayer to whatever deities existed (uh, despite the fact they knew what deities existed) that this would be the case. They sat in silence for a bit longer and then Hiei asked,

'How big was the power Koenma let loose, exactly?'

Botan scratched her head. 

'Well, I expect most of it was used up in the creation of the book,' she said. 'Creating something from nothing isn't easy, you know. Koenma said that he doesn't expect it to last more than three days.'

'One day left, then,' Yuusuke said, as Botan pulled a twig she'd just spotted out of her hair. 

'Why a book of poetry?' Kuwabara asked, out of the blue about five minutes later. They all stared at him, and he sat up. 'Well, it's hardly your average magical object, is it? Books, yeah, but not poetry from the point of view of cats.'

'Hn,' snorted Hiei. 'Baaaaka.'

A vein popped in Kuwabara's forehead. 

'Dammit, you little runt! What the hell is your problem?!'

'Your stupidity,' Hiei said, very calm for someone being held two feet off the ground. Kuwabara raised his fist. Yuusuke calmly moved out of the way and hoped nothing his mum was attached to would get broken. Hiei smirked. Kuwabara paused. He had enough functioning brain cells to realise that when someone you are apparently going to beat to a bloody pulp smirks at you, there is something you don't know. Probably something very large. Visions of the times he had, and this was important, _tried_ to beat up Hiei flashed through Kuwabara's head. He snorted and dropped him back to the floor. 

'Che,' he muttered. 'Asshole.'

Kurama was watching Hiei's face, and saw the little fire demon's canine tooth dig into his lower lip. It wasn't the insult. It couldn't have been. Hiei had been called much worse things, and he didn't hate Kuwabara, he just got annoyed with his inability to think things through occasionally. Not to mention the in-love-with-my-precious-little-sister-angle, but anyway. It was probably just the build-up of Kurama's teasing (not much, because Kurama liked frustrating him, not getting him murderously angry), furballs (sort of tied in with the Kurama teasing bit), Kuwabara's apparent lack of brain capacity (in other words, the normal one) and the general stupidity of the entire situation. Hiei Did Not Do stupid situations. Hiei spun. Botan squeaked. Kuwabara was flattened against the wall. Hiei opened his mouth to say something and tried to shut it too late.

' "Mongrel! Mongrel! Barking blight,

 Bane upon my yard at night;

What infernal had or eye,

Could frame thy vile anatomy?

In what stagnant sump or pool

Steep'd the slobber of thy drool?

What the wrath dare he incur?

What the hand dare weave thy fur?

Who the crackpot, who the nut?

Would wish to make an ugly mutt?

And when thy heart began to tick,

What weird hand withheld the brick?

Where's the crank who loos'd thy chain?

From what peapod came thy brain?'

What warp'd artist shaped thy face?

Whose foul crime the canine race?

When the cats gave up their prowls,'

And cowered from the hellhound's howls:

Did he smile his work to see?

Did he who made the Flea make thee?

Mongrel! Mongrel! Barking blight,

 Bane upon my yard at night;

What infernal had or eye,

Could frame thy vile anatomy?"' 

Hiei clamped his hand over his mouth in horror. Yuusuke had started laughing around verse two and was currently rolling about on the floor in hysterics. Botan was leaning on the wall, hands folded over her stomach, tears running down her face. Kuwabara had a vague idea that he'd been insulted, and was debating whether he should laugh or be angry because the lines, otherwise funny, had been directed at him. Kurama kept a straight face. He felt like he had to. Poor Hiei. Hiei glared at him.

'Go on,' he said, through grit teeth. Kurama shook his head.

'It's…okay,' he said, biting down the laughter. Hiei stormed out of the building anyway, leaving the laughter behind him. Kurama waited until he was sure he'd gone, and _then_ burst into hysterical laughter. 

Hiei, sitting stormily in a tree, was not having a good day at all. It was times like this when he wished, he really wished, he had a training room somewhere with a really hard punching bag and a whole box of assorted pictures of various people likely to piss him off. Right now he really wanted the one of Koenma to pin on his non-existent punching bag.

'How do I break thee?' he muttered, 'Let me count the ways…'

I break thee if thou art at any height

My paw can reach, when, smarting from some slight,

I sulk, or have one of my crazy days.

I break thee with an accidental graze

Or twitch of tail, if I should take a fright.

I break three out of pure and simple spite

The way I broke the jar of mayonnaise.

I break thee if a bug upon thee sits.

I break three if I'm in a playful mood,

And then I wrestle with the shiny bits.

I break three if I do not like my food.

And if someone thy shards together fits,

I'll break thee once again when thou art glued.'"

Hiei sat up sharply and looked around his tree hurriedly. Good. No one was-

'Hello, Hiei,' said Kurama, sounding muffled, because his hand was over his mouth. Hiei glared at him. How did he _do_ that? As far as Hiei knew the baka kitsune did not have a Hiei Detector. If it wasn't him, it was Yuusuke. It just sort of _happened_, like the universe was conspiring against him to turn him into a socialite or something.  It was a fact of his life that Hiei found profoundly disturbing. (He was, of course, wrong. The only people conspiring against Hiei were his best friends, and they'd long given up on him being a socialite- they just liked teasing him. The _universe_ really didn't give a damn.)

'Just laugh and get it over with, kitsune,' he growled, as Kurama made the odd "sngf" sound that comes when you try to suppress laughter by sticking the end of your tongue to the top of your mouth but the air hisses around your teeth anyway. Kurama nodded, laughed, and got it over with.

'Want some ice cream?' he asked. Two poems in a day probably deserved a sundae. 

The five inflicted spirit detectives all sat in the booth, no one bothering to say much. They were starting to worry the girls behind the counter. They were aware people tried to drown themselves in alcohol, but using ice cream as a medium of escapism was a new one. The one girl among the boys seemed determined that the gateway to paradise was to be found following the road paved with strawberry topping and honeycomb. 

'Botan, how can you eat that combo?' Yuusuke said finally, unable to hold it in any longer. Botan glared at him.

'Shut up. I have to listen to you lot spout poetry, and occasionally do it myself! It's hell on my nerves, and I'll have you know we've only just finished getting all the tax returns done! The end of the financial year and you lot spouting poetry is NOT a combination that's going to have me waltzing through life with daisies in my hair and feeling goodwill towards all men!'

The boys sweatdropped. Nothing in their experience suggested Botan was like that in a _normal_ state of mind. 

'Right,' Yuusuke said eventually, opting for the safe option. He decided to ask how the hell you could have a financial year in the afterlife later. It didn't seem like a good subject to discuss at this point. He waved to get the girl behind the counter's attention. 'Hey! I think we need another strawberry sundae over here.'

'Er…are you sure? That's her third…'

'It's not _my_ problem if she gets fat,' said Yuusuke, destroying in one sentence all of his good work in keeping his big mouth shut for the last two hours.  Kurama and Hiei moved simultaneously in scooping the ice creams off the table and holding them while Botan did something best left undescribed to Yuusuke, who slumped onto the table face-first. Botan sat back down again, dusting off her hands. 

'Ano…Shuuichi-kun?'

Kurama glanced up and around, as did everyone else. Kuwabara was only stopped from asking who Shuuichi was by Yuusuke's foot being planted into his shin under the table.

'Oh, Hayabara-san,' Kurama said. The rather attractive schoolgirl smiled and indicated for her to come with him with a perfectly manicured hand.

'Could I talk to you for a second?'

A certain resignedness in Kurama's expression suggested he'd suddenly become clairvoyant, but he got up anyway and walked out of the store with the girl, coming back five minutes later with the same blank expression on his face. They all looked at him. 

'…so?' Yuusuke prompted, eventually. 'What does the letter say?'

'What?1 How do you know it's a letter?' Kuwabara said. 

'It was fairly obvious,' Hiei said. 'Even I knew that.'

'Only because you've been with me a few times when this has happened before,' Kurama grinned. Hiei shrugged. That didn't change the fact he knew more than Kuwabara about a custom that didn't even belong to his world… not that that was really saying much. Kurama pulled the envelope out of his jeans pocket and passed it to Yuusuke, who unfolded it.

'Blah, blah, blah… yeah, the usual love letter stuff. How many of these to you get?'

'Enough for me to not bother counting,' Kurama said, taking the letter back.  

'That girl was pretty cute, though,' Yuusuke mused, and was promptly smacked for infidelity by Botan. Kurama nodded. 

'Yeah, but she's a-' Kurama stopped the sentence, and shrugged, not bothering to state what he thought of the girl- the pause was often more effective. Then the redhead got a funny expression on his face and his mouth opened. 

'Here we go again,' Hiei muttered into his sundae, and turned the spoon upside down in his mouth.

"She walks in booties, like a sprite

With pixie feet and fairy toes;

Her paws on ice will ne'er alight

Nor fell the chill of frigid snows;

And all the rays of winter's light

Shine on her collar's satin bows.

And from her soft enchanted fur

Exudes the scent of sweet shampoo

And precious oils distilled from myrrh

That gave her hair it's magic hue:

I long to hear her charming purr,,

And share the music of her mew.

But as I watch her take the air,

My spellbound vision starts to fade;

I feel at once a dark despair;

My feline heart is sore dismay'd;

For not content to make her fair,

Her doting owners had her spay'd! 

Hiei snorted into his ice cream and hurriedly turned his head away, biting down on the teaspoon. Yuusuke sniggered. 

'Can you do that to humans?' Botan asked. Kurama, looking amused at himself, shrugged.

'I don't know. I think so, but it's not done with that intention… I think. I haven't made a study of gynaecology.'

'Of what?'

'Never mind. I don't know.'

'Oh.'


End file.
